Every morning, I wake up, go to the bathroom, and weigh myself. I never used to do this. I didn’t grow up in a house where weight mattered, rather the way I felt and what I was able to accomplish with my healthy body mattered. Up until I was weighed regularly at prenatal checkups, I couldn’t even tell you how much I weighed. Now I am a thirty-something mother of four, and somewhere along the way, I’ve learned to be concerned about the number on the scale. If that number is lower today than it was yesterday, I feel happy and I’m likely to have a better day. If that number is higher today than it was yesterday (gasp!), I’m sure to be upset.
Today that number was higher than it was yesterday. I can’t imagine why, because yesterday I had a protein smoothie for breakfast, a salad for lunch, and I skipped out on the homemade rolls for dinner. I even exercised and read a fitness blog article (that made me feel less than awesome about myself). I didn’t do any of that to feel better or to be healthy- not at all! I did it to be thin. And why? Because the world told me I need to be thin! Someone told me that the number on the scale mattered, someone made me think that my value as a person is directly correlated with my weight. Someone lied to me, and I believed them. That someone is Satan- the devil himself.
Satan has figured out a way to get to me. He has found several things he could use to distract me, and every lie he has fed to me, I have believed. I have listened to EVERY single word he’s planted in my head.
It’s not always about my weight. Sometimes it’s my value in being a homemaker- in keeping a clean house. I struggle with keeping up on the laundry and dishes, I’ll admit! At the end of the day, if I have a pile of laundry to be folded, or my sink is full of dishes, I feel like I’ve failed. Nevermind the hour I spent helping my daughter with a first grade art project. Nevermind the time I took to cook a delicious meal for my family (that I didn’t eat, because of my obsession with being thin). Nevermind the time I spent changing diapers, bathing kids, or brushing hair. Nevermind I’ve pretty much memorized every Dr Seuss book known to man, or that I can whip up a batch of cookies in under 30 minutes. Nevermind any of the things I do good during the day. If I haven’t done absolutely perfect in every aspect of my life, If my house isn’t just as clean- or cleaner- than the neighbor’s, I might as well not even try.
It only takes one thing. One simple thought, planted by Satan, to lead me down to the pit of despair.
Today I have failed. I am fat. And because of that, I just know that my husband doesn’t find me attractive. And if my husband doesn’t love me, then my kids probably feel the same. I’m sure they are embarrassed that I am their mother. What kind of mom can I be if my kids are embarrassed by me? Surely I can’t be a good mother. And if I can’t be a good mother, then what else matters? I don’t have a “real” job. Who cares if I can vacuum like a ninja, if I don’t have any other accomplishments to show for my life. Every day I feel like I’m getting dumber and dumber- I can’t even help my 3rd grader with his math, because it’s too hard for me. I can’t even carry on a good conversation with adults anymore, because I’ve spent the last 10 years with toddlers! If I had a sense of humor at one time, it’s gone. I’m stuck at home with a 4 year old who thinks potty jokes are the all-time culmination of everything hilarious in the world. I’m not as good of a cook as my friend, I’m not as compassionate as my neighbor, I’m not as loving and patient as my mom was. I will never measure up. I have failed. I am not enough.
On those days, when Satan has gotten to me. When I believe the greatest lie Satan told me, I read this quote from Sheri Dew:
How many of Satan’s lies am I going to believe? How often will I let my value as a wife, a mother, and a human being be determined by the lies Satan whispers in my ear? Not another minute! I have learned, since I was just 3 years old, sitting in Sunbeam class the most amazing truths. I know who I am! I know God’s plan! I’ll follow Him in faith!
I KNOW WHO I AM!!! I am a child of the most amazing, almighty being in the Universe. I am a child of God. I am here on this Earth to become better. To become more like HIM! Of course I’m not perfect! I will never be a size 2. I will never get to the end of the laundry. I will be late to pick up my kids from school, I’ll forget it’s my day to bring treats, and I will never feel like I’ve mastered the role of motherhood. But I will never stop trying to become more like Him. There is nothing, not even the lies Satan tries to feed me, that can stop me.
Thank you for reading Latter-Day Women. If you liked this post, you might like some of these others I’ve written: